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I’m away on business in lovely Osaka.  Well I’m assuming it’s lovely and I’m trying to think positive since the hotel I’m in is quite the opposite… In fact I’m not sure I’ve ever stayed in a worse hotel.

4 Trains went roaring by as I wrote that top paragraph… and I type about 70wpm.  They literally make the room vibrate and thus why I’m forgiving the skewed nature of the one bit of art on the wall.  If only that were the only thing to forgive.

Fine Art

I’m a non-smoker, in a smoking room… one that perhaps hasn’t been aired in about 70-80 years.  The wall paper is discoloured and looks bruised and dirty in large swirls 365 degrees around me with quite a few gouges and marks strewn to hip hight as well.

Bruised, smoked, gouged walls – Seriously they look worse in real life

The floors have burn marks in them and so much wear and black areas that I can’t actually stand to put my bare feet on it.  I am provided slippers as with all Japanese hotels, however these ones instead of being fresh simply give you optional slipper inserts!  I decided to suck it up and give them a go however as I put them on I realised they don’t go over the top of your foot they only shield your souls!  I would love to say I took a deep breath and ignored the shiver-y sensation but A. I’d probably have passed out from all the stale smoke with a deep breath and B. I just couldn’t stop picturing a hairy, fungus ridden previous wearer.  I literally hopped out of them.

…Floors

The answer to breathing difficulties was to obviously open the window, which I have and which takes up 75% of one corner of the wall.  It has no screen and is only secure when closed and opens onto a tiny (about a foot wide) balcony area which is shared with all the other rooms.  Sadly this means I wont be sleeping with it open.  So for now I have the aircon on full blast and the window as wide open as possible so as to ventilate and not die.

I decided to have a shower and relax, perhaps the room will look a bit better when I feel less travel-weary…. My bathroom is quite a lot like a camper van bathroom, both in size and in style.  There is a large step up into it and the door seals completely shut so it’s water tight and if you wanted you could shower while sitting on the toilet.  fortunately they have also made a small tub for those of us who wish to stay upright and the water is nice and hot… sometimes.  It is however clean and helps make me feel more human. it doesn’t do anything for the room though.  There’s a sign on the door to the shower which says you have to close it when you go in as if you don’t the steam will set off the fire alarm.  Now that sounds like a good time. All was well but we did have a few drain issues as it tried to eat my bath mat.

drainage issues

I should mention that all the linens seem quite clean, the sheets and towels are thin but nice and blissfully feel germ free.  I should also mention that despite my complaints I am trying to make the best of my little box.  I have re-carpeted the floor with towels I don’t need and am completely dressed from head to toe.

New Carpet!!

There are a few luxuries here as well including a heat element in a section of the bathroom mirror so it doesn’t fog up when you shower and a mini hot plate for a cup of tea!

hot plate and single serve tea kettle

no-fog mirror

There is also a headboard control panel for the lights, aircon and alarm clock.  Though admittedly it took me about 20 minutes in all seriousness to get the one light above the desk to turn off.

The light that wouldn’t go out

And finally the cherry on top, the crumb of the cake, when it all gets to be too much they have provided not one but two, what I can only assume must be suicide bags complete with directions.  The first is just for a trial run.  I kid of course, but really, look at these pictures, what else are they meant to be?! 🙂

Suicide bags or a head cover?

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